3.5 years of infertility was one of the most painful things I have ever experienced. I felt so broken, ashamed and powerless. I prayed desperately for a baby, relying on God, my husband and friends for support and comfort. It was a difficult season for both Caleb and I... I wish I could say I handled it as well as Caleb did. He was steady and confident that God would give us a child. He wouldn't give in to the waves of pain that would sweep over me like a tidal wave. My sweet friend Shavon spent hours listening to me cry and might bring me a bottle of wine and sit with me, even when I said I just wanted to be alone- she knew better. My friends and family helped carry the burden for me. Towards the end of the 3.5 years my prayers changed from wanting a child to wanting healing and hope again. Hope came on Valentines day last year when we received a call from a dear friend Janey and her daughter Chelsea. They wanted to help start a baby-raising fund for us to move forward with IVF. To our joy and delight they raised enough for us to begin the process. IVF is not for the faint of heart, but we were determined and hopeful that it would result in a baby, so we pushed on. Multiple shots a day, hormones going all cray cray, countless exams... and in the end, there it was... The positive pregnancy test.
39 weeks of joy. I so so so loved being pregnant. I mean, there is so much not to love about being pregnant and I felt that too. But, there was also years of prayer and hope for a baby. Everytime I looked in the mirror and saw my growing tummy I would get giddy. Sharing the news of our pregnancy with friends and family was so fun. There was tears of joy, relief, praise, restored hope and love. I get emotional thinking back on the moments. I have never felt so celebrated and loved.
Week by week I saw my husband become more doting and loving. He was constantly rubbing my feet and shoulders. He took over kitty litter duty- HE TOOK OVER KITTY LITTER DUTY. He doesn't even like our cat. He was already a tremendous husband- but he took it to a whole new level. Our pregnancy was such a sweet, intimate time together.
Jack was due February 7th, and we both thought he would probably arrive late. Both our mom's delivered us late and we figured it would be the same for Jack. You can imagine my surprise when my water broke on the 1st of February. I wasn't ready. I wanted another week or so with my husband. I started to panic a little bit, wondering if I would love having a baby in my arms as much as I loved having him in my tummy- sounds strange I know, but for so long I prayed and desired to get pregnant... I began to wonder if I would enjoy this baby as much as I thought I would. I began to fear that this baby might not look like us... I mean, they could have made an error in the petri dish and gave us another person's baby. What if I suck at being a mom? What if I can't nurse? What if I am awkward and don't know how to hold him and care for him?
We had a very long labor (I will write a post on that later) and in the end when they placed Jack on my chest. I knew he was ours. He is half Caleb and half me. My heart ripped open. In an instant all my fears were gone, and I loved this baby more then I could ever imagine. I instantly knew how to take care of him. God equipped me to care for our Jack, and I'm loving every minute of it. I love that he projectile pooped on me at 3am. I love that he can only be soothed by his mama or daddy. I love that he is sweet and mild tempered. I love his smell. I love not sleeping... because I get to spend time with my angel.
Infertility left a deep wound, pregnancy began to heal the wound and the minute I met my son the wounds turned into scars that left me with such gratitude and thankfulness for our son.
|Mom and son|
|Water broke- last tummy pic|
|HERE WE GO...|
|1st moment with my son.|
|Daddy and son|
|Tummy time of Gma Kimi's quilt.|